Questions
OPINION —
I receive a lot of questions. They come in the form of emails, private messages, subpoenas, etc. I cannot answer them all, but I am able to answer a few.
Q: Sean, I am moderately offended. You mentioned the ongoing debate over saying “merry Christmas” and “happy holidays.” Saying “merry Christmas” can be offensive in the wrong context. We say “happy holidays” because we respect others. What if I’m someone who chooses not to celebrate Christmas? What if I’m someone who celebrates Kwanzaa, or Hanukkah, or Bodhi Day? Don’t you want my holiday to be “happy”?
A: What if you’re someone who doesn’t celebrate happiness?
Q: I was a fan of your writing until you chose a side and advocated saying “merry Christmas” instead of “happy holidays.” Saying happy holidays is inclusive for all religions and lifestyles. Whereas Christmas was invented by dogma. I am an atheist, Sean, I don’t want a corporation forcing religious holidays on me. Don’t I deserve a holiday, too?
A: How about April 1st?
Q: I am 74 years old and have been in a three-month long relationship with an impostor claiming to be Sean of the South. This man told me that his wife left him and that he wanted to have an intimate relationship with me.
We talked every day for many months. When he finally asked for money I realized I had been scammed and he was not Sean of the South. Now I’m so hurt because, even though I’ve been scammed, I feel like I’ve lost a friend. His writing was just like Sean’s, except he seemed to know how to say all the things a lady truly wants to hear, and how to make me feel like a woman.
A: My wife requests this man’s email address.
Q: Sean, your longform content is becoming outdated and boring. This isn’t 2011, buddy. Nobody wants written articles anymore. We want VIDEO! TikTok features video content that’s more snackable, instead of longform. Longform content is dead.
A: Years from now archeologists will laugh at us.
Q: You need a professional editor. My husband and myself read your work in our paper. Some mornings your column is good. Other mornings, not so much. We notice frequent typos in your work. The unspoken agreement between reader and writer is that all writing shall be free of errors.
A: I think you mean “my husband and I.”
Q: I was horrified that you took Catholic communion even though you are a non-Catholic. This was the moment I quit reading your work. Just because you were baptized as a Catholic baby doesn’t mean you have the right to partake in our sacraments. Someone has lied to you. Before accepting the Eucharist, you need confirmation and a first confession. You really screwed the pooch on this one.
A: The pooch and I are waiting for the lightning to hit any day now.
Q: Why do you refuse to comment on politics? Truly great writers with real platforms are required to be bold enough to provoke thought, and cause the common man to think. Instead, you are writing from the POV of the uneducated redneck who only cares about fishing and biscuits and church and beer and whatever the hell other stupid topics you pander to your audience about.
A: SEC football.
Q: I’ve read that a lot of professional writers are using artificial intelligence to write their stuff now. Have you ever used AI to write your columns? Be honest. Sometimes I read things you’ve written that seem uncharacteristic of you, I wonder if you use AI.
A: Tust me. AI dosen’t make typos.
Q: Are you some kind of ing idiot? Our nation is facing the biggest social/political crisis it has ever faced and you are sitting over in Alabama writing stupid stories, bing about not being able to find Advent candles? What the **** planet do you live on?
A: Not yours.
Q: hi, sean! Do you need a haircut? I have a hair studio outside el paso, and i really would like to get my hands on your hair.
A: Sean Dietrich no longer lives at this address.
Q: I keep getting harassed by someone claiming to be Sean of the South. I don’t know who to trust. This person wants to have a direct chat with me.
A: I do not contact people directly and ask for a “direct chat.” I will never ask for your credit card information. My wife, however, might.
Q: Sean, these are strange and uncertain times we live in. What do you think about the direction this country is going?
A: Science says each year the North American continent moves five inches to the west. We are on a collision course straight for Asia. I hope you like rice.
Q: You have finally piqued me for the last time. Why are you always harping on how much you like beer? As God’s creation, don’t you know that you’re destroying your temple with alcohol? God did not call us to be drunkards. God called us to be separate, set apart from the rest of the world, he wants us to be above all that.
A: Which is why I only drink craft beer.
Q: Do you have an opinion on all the hate online? Everywhere I go, it seems like people are arguing about politics or something. What do you say about all this, Sean?
A: I say Merry Hanukkah.
Sean Dietrich is a columnist, novelist and stand-up storyteller known for his commentary on life in the American South. His column appears in newspapers throughout the U.S. He has authored 15 books.
