Work in progress

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I’m still getting used to this marriage deal. I really do love being married, but each day is a new learning experience. I’m a work in progress.

Tuesday Laney, my wife’s Jack Russell Terrier, gave birth to five beautiful puppies. I was in my office working when Lucy texted me and told me to bring home some vanilla ice cream ASAP.

I assumed my wife simply had a craving for vanilla ice cream, but that was not the case. She wanted it for Laney. In case you missed it, Laney is a dog.

Lucy must’ve used her sixth sense to detect the dumbfounded look on my face, because it was soon followed up with a “never mind.” Of course, I offered to bring it, but the damage had been done. “Mama’s got it,” she texted. Ouch!

Everything is a learning experience – even deciding which grocery store to go to.

“Do you want to go to Publix, or would you rather go to Kroger?” she asked.

Because I worked at Kroger for eight plus years, I naturally chose Kroger.

“Really? Why? Because Publix is more expensive? Publix is just right there. Kroger will be crowded. There’s hardly anyone at Publix. I don’t really want to go to Kroger. I really like Publix,” she explained.

I gave in. “Ok, we’ll go to Publix.”

“Really? You don’t mind?” she said with a grin.

When I go shopping by myself, I stand firm and go to Kroger. Shopping used to be so simple. If I didn’t stop to talk to anyone, which, admittedly, is a rarity, I’d be in and out of the store in 10 minutes. Now, it’s a full-scale military operation. Shopping now includes texts, phone calls, face time, pictures, diagrams, strip maps, smoke signals and carrier pigeons.

I’ve even been sent to the store with an empty carton to ensure I came back with the right product. That’s what old people do. I don’t even drive a Buick, yet.

After dinner Friday night, I was being a good husband by cleaning the kitchen. I cleaned it from top to bottom. I cleaned off the oven top with the rag hanging from the oven. It was clean. It was shiny. It was looking good. The health inspector probably would’ve given me a 99 for my hard work. I was proud of myself.

My wife, however, was quick to point out that the rag that I used was not a rag at all. It was a decorative towel. Who knew? I certainly didn’t. I’m a simple and practical man. If it’s a rag-like absorbent material, I’m probably going to use it. You’d be surprised at the things I’ve used to clean my house.

I won’t use those decorative towels again, though, and the ones in the bathroom with the funny letters are off limits, too, even if there are no other towels available.

Marriage is a blessing, and I am truly blessed. I’m just in the learning stages of matrimony.

Saturday night was movie night at the Fuller house, which is actually Lucy’s house with Lucy’s furniture. I moved a chair away from the wall, so I could have a front row view.

“That chair is not for sitting in,” she said.

“Yeah, it’s just for looking at!” exclaimed Emily.

Females are just different, and they are indoctrinated early. Emily, our daughter, is just seven years old.

I pulled out my credit card and said, “You see this credit card? Well, it’s not for spending. It’s just for looking at,” I said with a smirk.

“Yeah, well, you see that couch over there? It is for using and you’re sleeping on it tonight,” she said with a smile.

Never argue with your wife. You’ll never win.

I know the words “Yes, dear” are the key to a happy marriage, and I’m trying. I’m just a work in progress.

Jody Fuller is a comic, speaker, writer and soldier. He can be reached at jody@jodyfuller.com. For more information, please visit www.jodyfuller.com.

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