Sir Bullwinkle and Mr. Chips are discussing the campaign.
Bullwinkle: Well, Romney won the first debate, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to win the election.
Chips: Of course not, but don’t tell that to Richard Nixon.
Bullwinkle: Why Chipper ol’ chap, I think you just spoke a zinger.
Chips: Right you are, Bully ol’ buddy. Sometimes I zang when I should zing, but I keep trying.
Bullwinkle: They say this is going to be a nip and tuck race.
Chips: The phrase “nip and tuck” dates back to 1845. I have, by the way, come up with a new phrase that I hope will replace “faster than a New York minute.”
Bullwinkle: What is it? And why replace New York minute?
Chips: No particular reason. I have coined the phrase “faster than a jaybird minute” simply because I think “New York minute” is getting a bit worn. When I hear some one say “New York minute” I think of a woman in high heels dressed in high fashion, clacking down a sidewalk and talking in staccato speed with another woman in high heels.
Bullwinkle: So … what’s wrong with that?
Chips: When I think of jaybirds I think of lush lawns with oak trees with jaybirds squawking and gray squirrels clicking and twitching the way they do. Both scenes are busy, but I like lush-lawn busy better than I do big-city busy.
Bullwinkle: OK, I’ll think about it. What about meaner than a copperhead … want to change that?
Chips: I don’t think you can get much meaner than a copperhead, so let that one be. But you ought to think about some phrases and think about some you would like to change, then think of some new phrases, and just let ‘er rip.
Bullwinkle: I’ll do that. You know I figured we would talk about the campaign. Any ideas?
Chips: Well, I think you might say that Romney moved ahead faster than a jaybird minute.
Bullwinkle: Well, he did stir things up a bit, but we’ll see if he can stand success. I really don’t think
Romney can win, but I am not good at predicting elections. I felt sure Brewer was going to beat Wallace in 1970, but it was not to be.
Chips: That was a tough one.
Bullwinkle: What do you think of Roy Moore vs. Robert Vance in the Supreme Court race?
Chips: I think this will be a lalapalooza. I don’t see how Vance can win, but I sure hope he does.
Bullwinkle: You know, I do too.
Chips: You know this may be the first time we have ever agreed on a candidate.
Bullwinkle: Well, you know judge is a judge, not a priest.
Gillis Morgan is an associate professor emeritus of journalism at Auburn University and an award-winning columnist. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org