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Sean Dietrich

By Sean Dietrich

MURRAY, Utah.—John works at a Nissan dealership in the service department. A customer called and said they had a big problem.

John explains, “I took a call from a very distraught lady this morning, stating their new kitten had gotten stuck behind the dash in their car.”

So, drawing upon his years of automotive customer service insight, John suggested that the woman “Bring it in.”

In the garage, three technicians began disassembling her dashboard with tools and flashlights. Which is not an easy job. They removed the stereo, the glovebox, and components of the AC unit. Finally, after a lot of work, one of the guys announced, “We have a tail!”

Applause.

Technicians shined lights into the deep crevices of the vehicle until one man rolled his sleeves up and said, “Okay. I’m going in.”

And anyone who has ever retrieved a sharp-clawed domesticated creature from a tight space such as, say, a set of box springs at your in-laws’ house, knows what an ordeal it is.

Imagine, several burly auto mechanics who often eat undercooked red meat for supper and wash it down with Anheuser Busch products, trying to coax a kitty out of hiding. The men used very high-pitched baby voices and said things like, “Come here, cutie wootie. C’mon, you can do it. Come on, cutie wootie.”

Finally, a gray kitten emerged and an entire auto garage cheered. One of the mechanics even held the cat to his face and kissed her, saying, quote:

“She’s such a cutie wootie. Yes she is. Yes she is.”

Afterward, the large men had their pictures taken with the kitten.

John reports, “In my job, you never know what can happen.”

VICTORIA, Au.—Three brothers in Australia won the lottery yesterday. They’ve been playing the same numbers faithfully for 40 years.

It takes a lot of determination to play a game of chance for that long. Especially one that has left you empty handed for decades. It takes even more persistence to play the same losing numbers.

“I don’t remember why we chose these numbers exactly,” says one brother. “All I know is that 40 years ago we each wrote down numbers and selected a ticket to play. We’ve been playing ever since.”

Those numbers, in case you need some good luck, are: 28, 7, 36, 1, 42, 22, 14, 11.

The jackpot was $400,000. And I, for one, vote that the three brothers go to Disney World.

TAYLORSVILLE, N.C.—Jeannie Wilson found a two-headed snake in her sunroom and captured it. She was fascinated with the creature.

Personally, I hate snakes. In fact, I can hardly write this without getting lightheaded.

But anyway, Jeannie wasn’t sure whether she was seeing things correctly at first. The baby rat snake was about 12 inches long with two heads growing side by side. The left head was more dominant. But snake-wise, everything else seemed to be in order. Both mouths contained forked tongues, and all four eyes looked Satanic.

The first thing Jeannie did was call her son-in-law. She told him, “Hey, I’m not crazy… He’s got two heads.”

When her son-in-law arrived, the young man thoroughly inspected the reptile. He must have sensed the historical context of this occasion, because he remarked, “He does have two heads, don’t he?”

She named the snake Double Trouble. Jeannie and her new friend became celebrities almost overnight. They even made it on the local news, where Jeannie, who looks like a sweet woman, was shown with a snake slithering up her bare arms. She wore a smile that seemed to say, “Isn’t he a cutie wootie?”

I think I’m going to be sick.

Jeannie turned the snake over to experts at the Catawba Science Center, who promise to give it a permanent home. This way, schoolchildren can see the world’s rarest snake and experience for themselves the Fifth Circle of Hell.

TEWKSBURY, Mass.—Police officer Eric Hanley saw something in a McDonald’s parking lot. It was small, black-and-white and furry.

“And there was a something on its head,” said one local guy. “The thing was just running in circles.”

The lump of fur was a skunk with a 16-ounce paper cup stuck on its head. And the animal was in distress.

Officer Hanley’s training kicked in. He approached the skunk cautiously, and asked for proof of insurance. The animal was wandering blindly in circles, tail held high, ready to release the Odor of Death.

When Hanley saw his chance, he acted. He crouched into a navy SEAL stance, yanked the paper cup from the skunk’s head, then leapt backward, achieving an incredible distance of nearly 17 feet.

The skunk scurried into the woods. A good time was had by all.

One local onlooker remarked, “Sure makes you feel grateful, knowing they’re out there, doing their jobs. The police, I mean. Not the skunks.”

While I write this, the news is blaring in the other room. There are reports of murders, destruction and illness galore. It is enough to make a grown man weep.

But this world is more than the horror you see in the headlines. Sure, it’s a mess. But it’s more than death, hatred, riots, fires, hurricanes, diseases and angry people in three-piece suits.

People are good. I don’t care what you’ve heard. Ours is a planet full of exceptional people. Those who, even though they’re dog tired and overworked, will gladly give up precious hours to rescue a kitten from a peril. If for no other reason than because she is a cutie wootie.

Yes she is.

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