Dear Cousin Bita,

Originally, our family was split with your half going to Earth and my half going to Mars.

My government has sent me here on an exploratory trip to ascertain whether it would be practical for us to take over Earth now before unwanted immigration begins on Mars.

I tell you, cousin, this Earth is a very complex and confusing place to me, and I want you to verify my report as it is important that my information be correct.

There are two languages spoken here, “you all”  and “you guys.” Words are spelled differently, such as “knew” and “new” but are pronounced the same and some spelled the same, but have a different meaning.

You say one thing such as “she is sleeping with him” and that is not at all what it means.

Most confusing and frightening to me are the people who come in all shapes, sizes and colors. I have seen white, black, red, yellow, brown and all shades in between. On Mars we are all the same size and are purple. I have not seen one purple person here.

The white people here do not like the color of their skin; they let the sun cook it until it is tan.

Transportation is archaic. Every morning you get into a moving machine and rush out to get on perfectly good farm land that has been covered with concrete and marked into lanes and you rush some place. In late afternoon, you must rush back to the starting point. I have not seen one person think himself to another destination.

Poison gases are pumped into the atmosphere, much from these moving machines. Some earthlings use an individual poison called a cigarette and are committing suicide, something unheard of on Mars.

For exercise, you drive the moving machine 10 miles to a place called a “track” where you walk for a mile and drive the 10 miles back instead of just walking a mile in the first place.

A test and a license are required to drive these moving machines, but nothing is required to have a child.

Products are packed into a large container with wheels and put where the smaller moving machines are, pushing these smaller moving machines out of the way. They use this primitive method instead of zapping.

Wall Street and Main Street are the two main roads. The rich live on Wall Street and the poor live on Main Street; they do not communicate.

Food seems to be a problem. Much farmland is covered with concrete. Some have too much food yet there is hunger here and food banks scramble to feed the poor; however, there are many refueling stations with funny names like Hardees and Burger King where you rush through what you call a “drive in” to get re-fueled.

None of the grocery stores that I have seen had any food growing in them, not even hydroponic tomatoes; everything was in a box or even worse, in a can.

Since government was a main issue, I spent most of my time in Washington, D.C, and it was very strange. I could not find the location of their money trees but they must have them because money has to grow on trees for them to spend so much.

Earthlings also spend money they don’t have.  They just wave something called a “credit card,” instead of paying.

There are two main tribes in Washington: Republicans and Democrats, who play by specific rules: when one tribe votes “yes” the other must vote “no” and they must be very rude to each other.

I had to leave Washington because there is a terrible virus there that a number of politicians are suffering with. It is said to be so bad that the men can’t keep their pants on.

So, cousin, I will have to vote against our invasion of Earth; it is just too weird with too many problems.

If Earth doesn’t clean up its act and things get too bad, think me a message and I will try to rescue you.

Happy early April Fools Day from your cousin Nodo from Mars.

Bita Bullet is the pen name of a local anonymous writer who can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .