‘Tis the season

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I love Christmas and always have, but I can do without the hustle and bustle of holiday shopping. I prefer holiday shipping. Technology is great. To be able to do all my shopping from the comfort of my office throughout the year is very much like the jelly of the month club because it’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year. Additionally, I can do all my shopping while being improperly clothed. It’s just too easy.
Speaking of being improperly clothed, I did have to take a quick trip to our nation’s largest retailer the other day. I had no choice. I needed an iPhone charger quickly and at a decent price, so I made the decision to walk through those doors. I’d be in and out in no time – or so I thought.
I found the charger with relative ease, but as I made my way back to the checkout, I saw something that I thought Emily, my 7-year-old step-daughter, would like. So I called Lucy, my wife, who told me to stay there, because she was on her way. I waited for what seemed like an eternity, or perhaps it was only seven minutes. Shopping at Walmart is like shopping in dog minutes – one minute equals seven.
Upon her arrival, she agreed with my assessment that Emily would like the gift I picked out, so we removed it from the rack and proceeded to the checkout.
Of course, we made several stops along the way. We needed stocking stuffers and candy. Most importantly, we needed anything and everything that related to the movie Frozen. That movie was OK for the first thousand times I saw it, but now it makes me want to stab my eyes and ears with icicles and carrots. I wish I could let it go.
What was supposed to be a $15 trip to Wally-World turned into a $135 trip.‘Tis the season.
It wasn’t all that bad because I knew I wouldn’t have to be out in all the Christmas chaos again. My one venture out into that world was enough for me. It was one and done for me – or so I thought.
I don’t know what happened, but Sunday morning my wife transformed into Betty Crocker. She had this wild idea to make cookies and cupcakes. Someone needed to go to the store, and I was just the man for the job. I worked at Kroger for over eight years, so I was fully aware of the bedlam that would soon ensue. Very few things have the power to entice me to suit up to go to the grocery store around the holidays, but cookies and cupcakes are on that short list. Besides, it wouldn’t take long. Kroger is only a mile or so from our house.
It wasn’t too crowded, and I found everything I needed except for Christmas cookie cutters, which was so important. Cookies just don’t taste like Christmas unless they’re in the shape of Christmas trees and candy canes, so I went to another store and came home with a canister of 101 cookie cutters. It was marked down to only $3.99 and contained shapes for holidays throughout the year. Score one for the old man.
I took the groceries home but had to leave to run some errands. A while later, Lucy texted me saying she needed more butter, so I had to go back to Kroger.
This time, however, it took forever, because the church crowd was there. The store was packed. I bought a half-gallon of eggnog, too, and made a quick detour to pick up a little something to mix with the eggnog. ‘Tis the season.
It turned out to be a great day. It was fun seeing Lucy covered in flour and dough, too. The cookies and cupcakes were incredibly tasty. This was all new to her, and at times she got frustrated and said she would never bake again.
She also said she didn’t like the eggnog because the rum was too spicy. She even made that statement after her fourth cup, but I can’t blame her. I was right alongside her. ‘Tis the season.
Jody Fuller is a comic, speaker, writer and soldier. He can be reached at jody@jodyfuller.com. For more information, please visit www.jodyfuller.com.

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