Most wonderful time of the year? Bah, humbug


Tis the season, fa, la, la, la, la.

I am turning into a Grinch. It is the first full week of December, and I am just a little unprepared for what is to come. I have not bought one single gift, not one. Usually I have at least a good start on the “S. Claus” part of my list. This year, I don’t even have a list.

The fact that I work retail is not helpful. I am starting to get really annoyed with people who find it impossible to face the cashiers in the store with things they have decided not to purchase. Instead, they stash these items in departments totally unrelated to their original choices.

My boss says this is “job security,” – I say it is retail torture. Just yesterday, I found ornaments, plates, gift ribbon and numerous other things stuffed into a bunch of flowers.

I have also grown impatient with complaints that we don’t have exactly what customers want. We have tried for weeks to get red burlap – let’s face it, it will come in the first week of January. It’s an unwritten law.

Several times this season, I have wanted to grab the phone at my place of employment and make an announcement, “ Ladies and what few gentlemen there may be in this place, may I just take a moment to remind you, as you snatch and complain, and just wreak havoc in general, that this whole thing started with a peasant girl giving birth to the creator of the universe in a BARN!!

I know I am starting to sound really grumpy. The fact is, I am really grumpy.

My house is not decorated. I have a wreath on the door, but it has poked two of my children in the eyes. Not my thought when I was putting curly sticks and grapevine together. Somebody is bound to get tired of this and throw the stupid thing out in the yard.

The younger two girls put up the tree. God bless them, they tried, but it looks pitiful. The tree itself is nice, but the bead garland is bunched up in one place, there are a couple dozen ornaments and the lights are colored. I let the girls choose colored over white – I regret this decision. White lights are calm and serene. Colored lights look like Vegas.

I don’t need Vegas.

I have several Nativity Scenes on display in several different rooms. This year I have found wise men under the couch and Joseph is AWOL in one of them. I suppose he just couldn’t cope with the noise and disorganization another year.

I am tired. I have no ideas. My clothes, hair and lungs are full of glitter. I would love to have maybe two more weeks to prepare for the blessed holiday, but I think one more day would absolutely do me in. I don’t even think Calgon can help me now.

So, if you see me out and about, shuffling through the grocery store or sitting at a red light, say a little prayer for this old girl, and everyone I come in contact with … La, la, la, la.

Angie Brown is a humorist who loves being a wife, mother and grandmother. She currently lives in Opelika with her husband of thirty one years and four of their seven children.


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