By Stephen Cooper
As reported (“Gov. Robert Bentley speaks on Mike Hubbard without mentioning Hubbard”, June 11) by Paul Gattis for Al.com, Alabama Governor Bentley issued a “vaguely-worded” statement [ the Saturday after the Hubbard trial verdict].
Because, indeed, it was so vague, here’s a line by line annotated version to help quickly guide you through what I’d like to charitably call, “Bentley’s Bona Fide B.S.”
The italics under each of Governor Bentley’s sentences get to the crux of both what Bentley’s truly thinking — and would like to say — if he had the guts.
1. “Alabama is strong because our people are strong.”
Sadly, unlike the overwhelming majority of Alabamians, I cannot, based on my recently reported upon behavior, count myself as being one of these “strong” people.
2. “As leaders we were placed here to serve our people and that is exactly what we are going to continue to do.”
Even though us Alabama “leaders” — and let me stress, that’s leaders plural (yeah, Mike, you felon, don’t think I’m not throwin’ you overboard now; and things ain’t lookin’ too good for you either, Roy) — have been caught with our pants down, we’re as stubborn as a jackasses (see also in this vein, “Governor Bentley is madder than a jackass chewing on bumblebees”) and we just ain’t gonna quit (even for the good of the people who elected us). They’ll have to throw us out.
3. “God has assigned us to this task, and we will work hard to honor Him.”
Just like I was honoring him when I broke my fifty-year-old old marriage vows with the assistance of tax-payer dollars. (Oops, dang, gotta remember, “At this time, I’m asserting my Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination…”)
4. “I have the utmost confidence in the men and women of the Alabama Legislature.”
Minus one — sorry Mike.
5. “We will all continue working together to solve the real problems facing our state and to help Alabamians.”
That’s why I continue to press skeptical Alabamians to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on an ill-conceived and doomed to fail prison construction project.
Isn’t building new bloated prisons an exciting way to add to my brilliant legacy as Governor? Come on now, give it up for me!
6. “We will pass a balanced budget that funds essential state services, create well-paying jobs and care for our sick, our elderly and our children.”
Just don’t anybody ask me about my administration’s track record on these issues so far — ’cause just like whatever happened between me and Beckah — what’s in the past is in the past….
7. “No matter how difficult the challenge, the people of this state will know we are working hard every day to serve them.”
Just as long as they aren’t reading the daily newspapers and keeping up with current events — like everybody else around the country.
Stephen Cooper is a former D.C. public defender who worked as an assistant federal public defender in Alabama between 2012 and 2015.