BY SEAN DIETRICH
OPINION —
Columbus, Georgia. I was eating at a barbecue joint not far from the state line.
My cousin, John, insisted that this joint serves the best barbecue in the state of Georgia. He made me promise to try it.
I ordered the ribs.
I ate them without sauce. The true test of ribs is to eat them dry. Barbecue sauce is like a beautiful woman. If she’s too sweet, she’s hiding something. If she’s too spicy, you’re going to be sorry in the morning.
Behind me was a young couple, eating. Early 20s. Maybe late teens. I could hear their conversation.
“Has your mom texted yet?” said the young man quietly. They were eating a massive plate of smoked meat.
“No,” said the young woman. “Not yet.”
“Do you think she’ll text you?”
“Don’t know. She’s definitely mad.”
“Bad mad?”
“Yes.”
“You think she’ll ever forgive us?”
The girl spoke with a mouthful. “I don’t know. She doesn’t like what we did.”
“You mean that we snuck off to get married?”
“It’s called eloping.’ I think that’s what they call it when you run away to get married.”
“She doesn’t like that we ‘loped.”
“EE-loped.”
“I can’t believe we’re really married.”
“I know.”
I ate my ribs and listened. I have my mother in me. I can eavesdrop with the best of them.
The boy was chewing as he talked. “I think lots of people’s grandparents ee-loped. My grandparents went to Donaldsonville to get married. You could get married in Donaldsonville back then, without your parents’ permission.”
“So how can it be so wrong if our grandparents did it?”
Shrug. “I know. And my grandparents are super old, too. My grandma is almost 60.”
I turned around to sneak a glance at them. She was pretty. He was so skinny, God love him. He would’ve had to stand up five times just to make a shadow. They were sitting on the same side of the table.
“My mom will come around,” she said. “As soon as we get good jobs. Don’t worry.”
“I’ll start looking for a better job as soon as we find a place to live.”
“God. Where are we going to live?”
“Anywhere. As long as we’re together.”
I started working on my coleslaw, and listened to them take inventory of their assets.
“How much do we have?” said the young woman.
“I have $329 in my checking. But I got a paycheck coming this week.”
“That’s not a lot.”
“That guy said he’ll rent us the apartment, so we’re good. We can do this.”
“Can we?”
“I’ll do whatever it takes. I won’t be a loser forever.”
“You’re not a loser.”
“Yes, I am. But I’m going to make you a good husband. I’m going to show them how much I love you. I’m going to break my back to prove it.”
“I’m going to do the same thing.”
“Maybe one day, our grandkids will be talking about how we ee-loped, the same way our grandparents did.”
Best barbecue in Georgia.
Sean Dietrich is a humorist and stand-up storyteller known for his commentary on life in the American South. His column appears weekly in newspapers throughout the U.S. He has authored 18 books and makes appearances on the Grand Ole Opry.