OPINION —
My truck cab was filled with three barking dogs and one idiot. The dogs were in the backseat. The idiot was behind the wheel.
“Sit down!” the idiot kept saying.
But my dogs do not sit when I drive. They never sit. They dutifully explore their space when the vehicle is underway.
To the untrained eye my dogs appear to be acting disobediently. But that’s not it. Really, they are just looking for food.
They are always looking for food. They even look for food in places where there has never been any food, such as my bathroom. In a pinch, they will even resort to eating non-food items such as my reading glasses, my sandals, sheetrock, etc.
But they particularly go crazy when in my truck because they know the odds of finding abandoned food here are exponential. Thus, they are constantly on the lookout for expired Corn Nuts, old pistachio shells or a petrified French fry predating the Reagan administration.
So we finally arrived at the dog park. I turned them loose. They ran. They chased squirrels. They wrestled. They hunted around for any threatening or suspicious objects so they could sniff them, bark at them, then pee on them.
And then, basically, all the dogs in the dog park just stood around. That’s all the dogs do there. They play for short bursts, then they stand around and look at their owners.
“Why do dogs just stand around at dog parks?” one dog owner asked the group of us dog owners who were also, as it happens, just standing around.
Another dog owner said, “I drove 45 minutes to get here, just so my dog could stand around.”
One of the other dog owners remarked, “You ever wonder what would happen if dog and human roles were reversed? What if DOGS took US to human parks? Would we go to the bathroom in front of each other?”
We all just looked at him.
And, of course, at dog parks, dogs sniff each other’s rears. I don’t know why dogs do this. This behavior has always perplexed me. They are not picky about whose butts they sniff. They’ll sniff any butt you give them.
I’ve read that rear-sniffing is a primal greeting of sorts wherein complex pheromone scents are exchanged. But I think it’s something dogs do because they like nasty things.
I have been owned by 13 dogs in my lifetime. And I have learned that dogs are not above wallowing in stinky objects. I have seen my dogs roll themselves in everything from cat feces to armadillo remains.
And one time when I was in a major city — this is a true story — walking my bloodhound after hours, we were near the dumpsters. It had been a long night. I had just given a speech and I was tired, so I wasn’t paying attention.
When I got back to the hotel, the clerk looked at me and said, “Sir, there’s something in your dog’s mouth.”
“Drop it, Thelma Lou!” I said.
It turned out to be — remember I am not kidding — a retired breast implant. The thing hit the floor. The clerk and I stared at the prosthesis and, in a moment I will never forget, the clerk said flatly, “Double D.”
I’m running out of room here, but I’ll close by saying, the more I learn about people, the more I like my dogs.
Sean Dietrich is a columnist, novelist and stand-up storyteller known for his commentary on life in the American South. His column appears in newspapers throughout the U.S. He has authored 15 books, he is the creator of the Sean of the South Podcast and he makes appearanes at the Grand Ole Opry.
